The Cycle of Abuse
Understanding the Cycle of Abuse
Abuse is not always constant or obvious. Many survivors describe their experience as confusing — moments of kindness followed by anger, affection mixed with fear, and hope intertwined with harm. This emotional whiplash often follows a recognizable and repeating pattern called the Cycle of Abuse. Understanding this cycle can bring clarity, validate survivors’ experiences, and become a first step toward healing.
1. Tension-Building Phase
The cycle often begins with tension slowly rising in the relationship.
The abuser may become irritable, critical, or unpredictable.
The survivor often feels anxious, walking on eggshells to avoid setting off conflict.
Communication becomes strained, and small disagreements may escalate quickly.
During this stage, survivors might try to placate the abuser—staying quiet, apologizing unnecessarily, or doing more to “keep the peace.” This behavior is a form of survival, not consent. The tension builds until it reaches a breaking point.
2. Explosion Phase
The explosive phase is when the abuse occurs openly and intensely.
It may include verbal attacks, emotional cruelty, physical violence, sexual coercion, or psychological manipulation.
The abuser releases their pent-up anger, blame, or need for control in a harmful way.
The survivor may feel fear, shock, shame, or a sense of helplessness.
This is often the shortest phase but the most traumatic. It can leave deep emotional and physical scars, and the aftermath can create confusion and self-blame. Survivors may begin to internalize the abuser’s messages — believing they caused the outburst or somehow deserve it.
3. Honeymoon (or Reconciliation) Phase
After the explosion, there is often a period of remorse, reconciliation, or calm.
The abuser may apologize, show affection, or make promises to change.
They might give gifts, express guilt, or blame external stressors (“I was tired,” “I just lost control,” “It’ll never happen again”).
The survivor may feel relief that the tension is gone and hope that things will improve.
This phase can create powerful emotional confusion. The abuser’s warmth and remorse feel real, and the survivor’s desire for the relationship to heal makes it difficult to leave. However, over time, this stage tends to shorten or disappear as the cycle repeats — often with increasing severity.
4. Calm Phase (Optional or Diminishing)
In some models, a fourth phase — the calm period — follows the honeymoon. Life seems “normal.” The abuser behaves kindly, the survivor may feel safe again, and the relationship appears stable. However, beneath the surface, unresolved control and power dynamics remain. Over time, tension begins to rebuild, restarting the cycle.
Breaking the Cycle
The cycle of abuse thrives in secrecy, shame, and hope for change that never comes. Recognizing the pattern doesn’t make leaving easy — it simply offers understanding. Abuse is about power and control, not anger or loss of temper, and the responsibility always lies with the abuser.
Breaking free often requires support, safety planning, and time. Survivors deserve compassion, not judgment, and access to resources that prioritize their safety and healing.
You Are Not Alone
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, know that it’s not your fault and help is available.
National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233
Text START to 88788